“I have seen many storms in my life. Most storms have caught me by surprise, so I had to learn very quickly to look further and understand that I am not capable of controlling the weather, to exercise the art of patience and to respect the fury of nature.” -Paulo Coelho
I could not have found a more apt quote to start my blog entry today. I finally found out the results of my breast biopsy yesterday afternoon. The good news is that it is not malignant. The not so good news is that it is a tumor and may or may not need to be removed.
That is the update. It brings with it more waiting for another referral to more experts. Waiting requires patience. I think that is something that most humans struggle with. I certainly do anyway. I am used to dealing with waiting on concerns that come from having Multiple Sclerosis. It has been a 20 year journey to come to terms with those problems that arise. This newly found tumor is a whole new learning curve and has proven to be very trying on my level of patience. I found a lump that appeared overnight. Wait a week to have a mammogram. Wait a week to have a biopsy done as it was concerning to the radiologist. Wait a week for the results of the biopsy. Oh, it’s a long weekend. Wait until Tuesday. Maybe Thursday. Actually get the results on Friday, 15 days after the biopsy. Find out that it is something rare called a fibromatosis tumor. What the heck is that? It is not cancerous, but they can grow and reoccur so I have to be sent to a comprehensive breast clinic where they will know more about next steps. More waiting.
Although I am so happy to live in Canada where we have such a great medical system, garnering the patience to wait until I can receive all the data I need to move forward, this is a test for my level of patience. I struggle with generalized anxiety. This waiting means I have to pull out my tool box and get to work.
I have woke up everyday around 6:00 and started my “work” day. I go outside and listen to calm music. Music can alter my state of mind and has always been able to do that. If I feel anxious, I put on peaceful tracks. I then write in my journal. I respond to a prompt and then I basically regurgitate all the thoughts going on in my mind onto the page through my pen. I then draw a card and have coffee. My last step for the morning is to do a meditation. That routine had been keeping me centered and I view it as just as important as attending my doctors appointments. It helps me deal with needing to be patient to have something that I can control, and that is my morning routine. The rest of the day is spent getting out in nature as well as distracting myself by keeping busy, shopping mainly, and talking to friends. I normally feel guilty about buying things, but right now am allowing and loving the retail therapy. Also, I have been doing a lot of gardening because getting my hands in the dirt always helps to ground me.
I do not mean to seem glib over this news. I am extremely grateful for the news that I received yesterday that the tumor is not cancerous. I just still feel uneasy at the unknown. I am being very kind to myself and allowing space to do what makes me happy and rest. Everyone will go through things in their life where they feel shaken, like an earthquake has gone off in you which disrupts your sense of peace. What is important is to remember how strong you are and how much you have overcome in your life. I read back over my journals to see how many “dark” times I have had and have come out on the sunny side of. This will be the same. Always lean on people around you who are part of your tribe. I am fortunate enough to have a great one.
If you are struggling with something and need someone to listen and help you get through a time requiring patience, feel free to send me an email or message. I hope we can all find our sunny spot on the other side of life’s storms.