“In every moment of every day, we get to choose whether we’re buying into the voice of worry, or buying into the voice of wonder.” Amber Rae Lilyestrom
I wrote in my last blog a couple of weeks ago about some health scares I have going on. I was in quite a state when I wrote that entry. I had just found out about a lump that needed to be biopsied. I believe in being honest about my life. I don’t want to write about only the shiny stuff. So when stuff gets hard, I will still share. I find it cathartic to put things down on the page, which is why I wrote the post when I did. What I didn’t expect was the amount of love I received from people who read my blog that day. People I know and people I don’t, sent me a ton on love and encouragement. Some people I haven’t talked to since high school, reached out to me. I felt the love and it helped. So on that note, thank you so much for sending your love in phone calls, emails and texts to let me know I was not alone.
I had my biopsy just over a week ago. As of Friday, the results were still not in but I will keep you all posted when I know. Over the last couple of weeks, I have felt a huge shift in myself. It is an accomplishment I am so proud of myself for. I always describe myself as a worrier by nature. I am always deep in thought about the “what ifs” and try to plan my life for options a, b and sometimes c. Initially, when I felt the lump, I did just that. What if it is cancer? What if they have to do a mastectomy? What if my MS acts up due to the stress of this? All the negative possible outcomes. I wasn’t sleeping well and was ridiculously anxious. It was all I could think about. Then I went in to talk to my doctor. We talked about other options about more positive outcomes that it could be, and were more like that it would be. She also gave me a prescription for Ativan in case I needed them to get through. After that I went home and wrote a lot in my journal. I filled my prescription and took medication for a few days. On about the fourth day, I literally felt something shift within my body. I just felt like everything was going to be OK. I didn’t have any test results back yet. I just knew it would be alright. I am alright. No one has told me I am not OK yet so why worry about it? I may get bad news one day, but that day is not now.
I have spent so much of my life worrying about the future. All of the things that could go wrong but likely won’t. What I realized was that I needed to start focusing on the now. The now is pretty wonderful. I have many family members and friends who support me. The weather is warming up. I am feeling stronger in my walking. My husband is loving running his own business. What I am missing in my life is spending time wondering about the majestic things that are here now and not worrying about the future things that might happen. I find that when I get stressful news, my thoughts speed up to a frantic pace and I get stuck in a loop of worry. What is the purpose of worry? It changes nothing in terms of outcome for the future. What I can change is my view on the present. I wake up lately and wonder about the singing birds that are in my backyard. I paint and draw things I see that are beautiful to me. I made space in my days to do things I love and find wonder in. I love to look at my plants and wonder what my garden will turn out like this year. I can wonder about things in the present moment and not rob myself of that peace by worrying about the future. I am so proud of this shift I have made. I am genuinely not worried about the test results. No matter how they come back, I know I am strong enough and have enough love around me to handle it. I am awesome right now and choose to focus on that.
All of this thinking about wonder and shifting my focus from worry to wonder, I started looking for quotes about this plan of mine. I wanted to find a quote to include with my picture included above that depicted my emotions. I typed into Google “Choosing wonder over worry” and up popped a book of the exact same title. Choosing Wonder Over Worry by Amber Rae Lilyestrom whom I quoted at the start of this post. I definitely think I will be ordering this book.
I’m sure there will be times in my life when things don’t feel as calm as they do now, but I am enjoying the shift I have made for the present time. Hopefully this journal page can serve as a reminder to myself to let go of worry about the future and enjoy the wondrous life I am living in this moment.
I hope you can all find wonder today in your life.