“We know that mental illness is not something that happens to other people. It touches us all. Why then is mental illness met with so much misunderstanding and fear?” – TIpper Gore
I’m going to share a secret with all of you that I have just admitted to myself recently. I really struggle with my own mental health. I have just recently come to terms with this fact. I have lived with the knowledge that I have MS for 26 years. I do not feel stigma related to that diagnosis. Thirteen years ago I had a major relapse that I have talked about before. They eventually figured out that I had three new lesions in my frontal lobe and started me on a low dose of an antidepressant to battle that when it became active. I have been ok with that fact for many years. I would say always that it was those damn lesions that caused the anxiety, depression or worry that I was feeling. I did not want to admit that it was irrelevant why I was feeling that way, but my mental health was suffering.
The ironic thing is that I used to be a counselor. I know better than to buy into the stigma around this illness. The things I would see in others and the advice I would give was not something that I was willing to look at for myself. I sought out counselling, was willing to look at changing my MS med because it obviously wasn’t working if I was always still feeling this anxious. I will briefly tell my journey of this past year and let you know what I have discovered and the peace I have made with myself and my health.
I’ll go back about a year. I have already talked about all of the injuries that I had last summer. Broken bones, torn tendons, as well as moving into the dreaded menopause and all that goes with it. I had to go through a scare with a breast biopsy and concerns around issues around my hormonal health and a heart scare. Every time I went through some upset, I would take a lorazepam and before I knew it, I had gone through my supply that would normally last me twice that amount of time. I had been asked by my family doctor if maybe I wanted to try to increase the antidepressant. My answer was always no. I was dealing with it and it was all the things life was throwing at me. I always felt on edge and almost always ranked my mood as 3 out of 5 when I wrote in my journal. I then had a big scare from a chest x-ray I had done when I was dealing with a brutal cold. Because I saw the results online on a long weekend, I couldn’t talk to my doctor until the next week. So what did I do? I turned to Dr. Google and found out I was dying. That is what Dr. Google said anyways. I spent the whole weekend making lists of who my husband needed to let know when I died (because it was definitely happening) and making him wake me up at least once a night so I didn’t die. I know this sounds crazy but I so believed it to be fact.
I spoke with a counselor who questioned my facts but I knew better. Family pointed that out as well but I was sure that me and the internet were right. By the time I saw my doctor and she ordered more tests, I was a disaster. My blood pressure was sky high and I could not be talked off the edge. Once the results came in, it was discovered that there was nothing wrong with my heart. It was just bad imaging with the first x-ray. The whoosh that came over me was instant. I instantly knew I needed more help than I could provide myself with. I couldn’t meditate this issue away. I had read an article that the antidepressant I was on could change my brain chemistry for ever. That still seemed like a bad thing to me. Luckily I really trust my pharmacist. I called her to ask about this article. She said that the article was accurate. My problem was my brain chemistry. She said what was needed was to change my brain chemistry because the way it was now was not healthy. For some reason that instantly made sense to me. If I was talking to a friend feeling the way I had been feeling I would tell them maybe they need to look a the medication they were on.
When it came to me though, a counselor for goodness sake, I still viewed it as weakness on my part to need this increase.
“Healing takes time, and asking for help is a courageous step.” – Mariska Hargitay
I went in to see my doctor and asked to increase my Effexor. Literally within days I felt like my old (balanced) self. My doc gave me a refill of my emergency med while I adjusted to the increase because I had a trip booked for the next week. I have not needed to take one of them since my med increase even with a really turbulent flight which is normally rough on me. Hindsight is so true. I recognize all the things I couldn’t see that my friends, family and doctors had seen long ago. I was living for the last year on pins and needles that something else would happen that would drive me over the edge. I am going to try to listen to people when they gently nudge me to recognize when I am struggling. My father is living with Alzheimer’s and I am always telling him that he needs to trust his wife and my sister and I when we tell him things are in his best interest. I am going to stop belong a hypocrite and listen to my own advice. I am so blessed that I have people to look out for me when I can’t for myself.
I now can acknowledge that I struggle with mental health. Whether it is caused by MS or not is irrelevant. It is just the truth of my situation. Surrounded with friends and family and the sunshine of Mexico I was able to heal my brain chemistry and my soul. Nothing is permanent, including suffering. It can be way shorter lasting if you listen to others when you are stuck in the rabbit hole or spiral of despair. I am really hoping that the next time I am struggling, I will listen to others and remember how painless and beneficial it was to tweak a medication. It is not a sign of weakness but one of strength.
I will have many more tales of things I have discovered over this time of turmoil that may help you as well. Hoping you all have a support system that can bring you back into the sunshine when you are drowning in the storms of life. The picture I started with is one I drew around looking for light that you cannot see in fear. I look forward to sharing more of my journey with all of you.
Much love,
Christine
anundefinedlife.com 