“It’s very hard to explain to people who have never known serious depression or anxiety the sheer continuous intensity of it. There is no off switch.” – Matt Haig
Anxiety. I hate it and I love the lessons it teaches me. Anxiety feels like a physical entity in my body. It can change my voice, it can create thoughts in my head that I don’t feel are mine. It can also make me flighty and at the same time, extremely focused. From talking to others, anxiety can feel like all sorts of things to different people. This morning I went out to get some groceries and became so dizzy and felt like something was pulling me backwards and to the right. What I have discovered through years of experience, is that anxiety triggers my MS symptoms in addition to creating feelings of unsettle. What I have also realized is that anxiety over my health follows a pattern. I am working at becoming at ease with this identifiable pattern.
I have been writing for awhile about a health concern I have been dealing with. I have a tumor in my breast. I went to see a surgeon on Wednesday to find out my options. Although the surgeon does not feel it is cancerous, he told me that if I was his sister, he would tell her to let him remove it. It is not uniform which is of some worry and it is attached to the underlying muscle. The only way they can truly know what it is, is to remove it entirely. Surgery has been booked for July 17th at the Cross Cancer Institute. Of course I am not looking forward to another surgery, but having all the knowledge is always important to me. I have come to terms with the surgery and know it must happen. However, “the sheer continuous intensity” of my anxiety is not helping my sense of peace. I will be ok. I know that. I have support from family and friends. I know that. I am strong and have been through things before. I know that. However, anxiety does not always know that.
Everyone deals with anxiousness about things in their lives. Tests, money, relationships. All can cause anxious feelings. However, I now know that I deal with Generalized Anxiety according to my psychologist. I find it difficult to control my sense of worry. However, I also have tools to deal with it. I see a psychologist whom I have built a relationship of trust with. I am going to see her during this current issue. I use meditation every morning. I journal and read over my journals from previous times of concern. I get regular sleep and get out in nature as much as possible. I also know and trust that I will get through this period and it will pass. Maybe not when I want it to, but it will pass. I recognize my current pattern.
- Receive scary news.
- A day of strong anxiety.
- A day of peace and reasoning.
- A day of anxiety
- or two.
It is soothing to recognize that pattern. It lets me somewhat know what to expect. If you deal with anxiety, try to recognize your pattern. It may help to journal while you are going through a moment of anxiety and then read over when you are not in crisis. It may be easier to identify the pattern when you are not in it.
As much as I hate to deal with times of anxiousness, it has also taught me how strong I am. I will get through it. It has also helped me to relate to others who are going through rough times. It also makes me so appreciate the times of calm and sureness. It has also taught me to become ok with asking for help and even relying on medication to help get through it.
If you are dealing with anxiety of depression, please reach out for help. I am always willing to reply to emails to help someone who is struggling to get passed a time of struggle. We will get through this and come out the other side stronger and healthier. The picture I have attached is one that embodies how I wish to feel after I get through this period. I completed it during an art class in Life Book taught by Juna Biagioni titled The Custodian.
Much love and support.