I have been really struggling to write on this site lately. I usually have a clear idea of what I want to write before I start. I guess that is the problem. I don’t seem to be able to form a clear idea of that I want to write about because I have so many ideas floating around my head. Noise. That is what I hear. Heavy noise. That is the feeling and sound I am living with right now. I try to listen to calm music on the outside but inside my head is still a cacophony of competing noises.
I choose a word every year to start me off in January on a focused note. Ironically, I picked a word easily but could not sort out why I choose it. I’m choosing a different tactic this time. I’m just going to write with no plan and see what comes out so bare with me. Usually I start with a quote that leads my post but today I’m hoping my post will lead me to a quote.
The world is heavy right now. Even people I talk to who are normally positive and not super connected to the news or social issues are ill at ease. The world is just unsettling right now whether you can tell why or not. As those of us who deal with chronic illness, our world always feels a bit off kilter. I’m always looking for a trick or method I have found to tell you about to try to mediate some of that discomfort. This post I feel will not be chronic illness related. Moreso just one of being human.
The reason I chose the word acceptance for this year is that I felt like last year I was continually fighting something. Trying to reach something. More awareness or less awareness. More exercise or eating better. A solution to a difficult relationship or health concern. I constantly felt I was not where I should be or wanted to be in my life. The opposite of that strife seemed to be acceptance. It also caused me unease to use the word acceptance. One some level, that word meant surrender or weakness to me. We should always want better or more to be still living a worthwhile life shouldn’t we? However, I found myself gravitating to sites online about recycling or reducing or living with less clutter, fewer things and being grateful for what I have. Those ideas seemed at odds with each other.
I guess I want to think of acceptance in a different light. Not one of passivity but of action. It can be action to look at acceptance as a frame shot. Accept where I am in reality currently not where I envision being in a month or a year. Today, is where each of us is currently. We cannot change that so why not at least accept it. I am currently dealing with some difficult issues with the health of family members as well as myself. I do not accept that these difficult situations need to stay the way they are indefinitely. However, I can accept that this is where we are with loving kindness. I can continue to keep moving along with my exercise journey but can accept that I am OK with where I am now with it. I will still keep working with it but will not be angry at myself for wherever I end up in a month or a year. I can recognize and be at peace with where family members are in their health journey but still try to actively offer options to make it better. For type A beings and the helpers among us, it is a difficult place to sit when you know things could be better but to still accept that this is where things are for now. Our lives are not only about one issue but rather a racket of experiences competing for attention. Some are gloriously beautiful and some are painfully shrill. I will work this year on accepting whatever tones are being thrown at me. I did not have the creative prowess to work on a painting so I made a wreath that is my feature picture and I accept the beauty of that. My goal is to write on here more often and with less weight around it being perfect of needing a message. I might just write about where I’m at in this life at that moment. Below is a link to a meditation on Insight that has been bringing me peace around acceptance.
After writing this whole post, I have found my quote.
“Control is not real, and I’m really understanding that every day. It’s about acceptance of relinquishing control that makes it powerful for you.” SZA
Much love and peace my friends,
Christine
anundefinedlife.com 