Part 1: Showing all the Dull and Scary Parts

“It is good to have an end to journey toward, but it is the journey that matters in the end.”

Ernest Hemingway

Hello there! I feel like this new year has had me go from having nothing to say, to having everything to say. I think this will be the start of a collection of blog entries. The theme of this first entry is to show all of me. Not just the shiny parts. Even the rough and scary parts. I had a friend say to me today that I am always so positive, steady and stable and that I am so happy all the time. Thank you for those comments Kim, but it was such a wake up call to me. For the last two months, the only word I can use for myself is languishing. I have been in pain all the time and barely sleeping. When I heard the words positive and stable I felt like a hypocrite. I started this blog a few years ago to talk about how to live well with a chronic illness. However, there are times when we are not living well. There are times when we are living in pain, depressed and hopeless. Although it was nice to hear those words from my friend, I feel what I want to do now is to live honestly with a chronic illness. I want to embrace the journey and not just the shiny parts of my life.

There have been some shiny parts since I last wrote in September, and I will write about those times soon. All of life needs balance. Without the daylight there would be no darkness. Without the winter we would not appreciate the summer. This entry today is just to talk a bit about a change in focus I have for this blog and this community I have created. I am going to aim to be honest and talk about the rough stuff and the great stuff. I’ve started a new painting for the year 2022 which is something I do every year. I also always pick a word for the year. My word for 2022 is health and healing. I started my post with that picture. Unfiltered and unfinished.

I read through my journal from last year. At the end of each day I include a line that says “Where I’m at…” The word that I used most often in the last year was sore or aching. That told me my focus for 2022 would be on changing those words to healthy and strong. In order for those words to change, I need to change my path and what I am doing. At the beginning of each journal entry this year, I will begin with “Today, I will contribute to my healing by…” I’m excited to tell you about the healing paths I am going to venture down. Hopefully some of you may find something helpful in my struggles and there may be a glimmer of hope in some of the things that I try that may light up a path for you in your healing.

All any of us can do is to try our best on our own journey and share what we learn along the way to provide a flashlight for others who may be going through a dark path at the time. Let’s try to lift each other when we are struggling. I believe in nothing stronger than that it takes a village. Not just to raise children, but also to create a strong and resilient community. Tomorrow, I am heading out to a medical appointment and will fill you in on how that goes.

Thank you Kim for you kind words, but I plan to do better at providing a more realistic version of how I portray myself because right now, I am on a dark path and am looking for little fireflies. You provided me with one today. I hope this entry can light up someone else’s path today.

Much love and healing,

Christine