Finding our Way Home

“The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” – Maya Angelou

Although I do not live in the United States, I watched this morning’s inauguration of Joseph Biden and Kamala Harris. I could not help but breath out a sigh of relief. Even though the event had everyone wearing masks and no general spectators, it felt calm and normal to me. Having lived through this past year, I think all of us crave some normalcy at this time. I know some are not happy with the outcome of the election, and don’t worry, this is not a political post, but it does feel a bit like the world is starting to come home.

This event also coincides with a reappearing of me to my former self which I have really missed. Living with MS and going through the pandemic of 2020, I feel like I lost myself for a little while. This week I feel like I have started to come out of the cocoon I have been in for awhile. Something that I live with often is brain fog. For those of you who do not live with this issue, it feels like you are walking though the world with cotton baton over your eyes and inside your head. I have a hard time focusing and making decisions when I feel this way. I keep forgetting things and not remembering conversations I have just had with people. This feeling is often accompanied by extreme fatigue. I can feel exhausted as soon as I wake up in the morning, even if I have had a good night’s sleep. I need to rest often and the brain fog gets even worse if I don’t. I am not very good at hiding this state when talking to others. I then feel like they judge me for not being as engaged enough and beat myself up for that. It starts a really viscous cycle that never ends well for anyone.

This is something that happens to me a couple of times a year usually, but has been considerably longer lasting this time than usual. Looking at it now, going through this pandemic while dealing with a chronic illness and adding cups of political unrest and violence in the world, has created a perfect storm for my fragile mind to go through. It has put me in an idle state that feels very unusual to me. Most of my coping mechanisms are not available to me currently. I cannot go visit my family to get out of my own head. I cannot go for coffee to a friend’s house for a different perspective. I have felt trapped in my own walls to figure this out on my own.

However, today with the changing of political parties in the USA, I feel a shift within me. Yesterday, I had a lovely visit outside with one of my friends as some restrictions were lifted where I live so you can gather outside with a few people. Although I was tired and cold, I felt a bit like my old self again. Last night, I had an online Instagram video chat with my niece which was great. Instagram video chats at night with Izzy are a new found positive coming out of the pandemic.

Motivation has also been lacking for me. I have had a hard time completing things. For this type A person, that is also an uncomfortable place to be. Also leading to beating myself up for not doing more. I am happy to report that in the last few days I have completed knitting a blanket for myself and restarted my art journal with a schedule and paintings. Creative endeavors always make me feel like I am returning home.

Although I had wanted to put this entry out on Monday and it is now Wednesday, I am proud of myself for completing it even if it took several starts to complete it and to organize my thoughts. On this day of inauguration, I feel like I am starting to come back to myself at the same time as hopefully there is some return to civil rest in the world. I am certainly not back to my “normal” yet, but I am fighting to get there. More than that, I know I will get there. I just have to let go of the timelines I have in my head around when that should happen by. I think I will go for a rest now without guilt.

Wishing you all a restful and peaceful day where you can find your road back to you.

Christine

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