Fear and Kindness

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.  The brave man is he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”  – Nelson Mandela

I had mentioned the other day that I have some not nice health stuff going on right now.  I wasn’t going to put out a blog entry this week because this situation has me in a real tailspin.  But then I started thinking. What better time to put out a post saying how I am feeling.  Fear is real.  It is a horrible feeling that many of us with an illness or not deal with in life.  There is no way of getting through life without experiencing it.

I often post about tools I use to help me live my life with peace.  However, sometimes all of those tools don’t work.  That isn’t true.  They work, but sometimes if the fear is strong enough, the tools just dull the fear rather than eradicate the emotion.  I have MS.  I have wrapped my head around that for the most part after living with it for 20 years.  I kind of know what to expect with the monster I know.  I can still fool myself to believe that I have some control over my disease progression.  Some things do help.  I eat healthy, try to get exercise and limit my stress as much as I can.  But in the end, disease doesn’t care.  If it wants to ravage on, it will.

I received some results today about a lump in my breast I found last week.  Not much of results really.  I believed after a mammogram and ultrasound they would know what was up.  However they don’t.  They know something is there but not what it is.  It could be nothing.  It could be calcium deposits.  It could be because I am entering perimenopause.  It could be from my breast reduction last year.  I’ve lost 50 pounds recently.  Maybe that has something to do with it.  Whatever it is, I have no control over what they find out in the biopsy next week.  I have been doing the work.  Meditation several times a day, writing in my numerous journals, going outside and resting.  I have been putting my fears on the art page.  I am still scared.

I wanted to write this today because I think sometimes I can write as if I have all the answers.  I do not.  I don’t think there are answers to how to deal with uncertainty.  I think we are all doing the best we can at any given moment with the stuff piled on our plates.  I am trying to treat myself with kindness, and ativan if needed.  What I am grateful for is that many friends and family have really rallied around me.  I have been taken out on a “distraction” drive, had lots of company, and offers of support whenever I need it.  For that I am grateful.  I do feel like I have a tribe around me.  With their support, I can conquer this fear.

This entry today is basically therapy for me.  I am afraid and am extending a hand to anyone else who is feeling fear.  Let us all be support to each other during our Undefined Lives.  It is hard but it is easier with kindness.

Much love,

Christine